I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
