she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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