Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
