you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
