Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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