I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
