You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
