Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
