I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
