Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
