I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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