you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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