the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
