Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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