She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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