he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
