matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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