Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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