hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
