the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize