Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
