dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
