Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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