The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
im holly from the hills drunk
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
