New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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