he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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