I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
