Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
