I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
