i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
