saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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