her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
