Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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