k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
