Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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