I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
