I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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