can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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