im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
