so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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