So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize