I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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