Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
