When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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