So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
