listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
