So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
