the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
