i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
