My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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