Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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