There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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