and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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