you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
