Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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