Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
