apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
