I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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