So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize