I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
