i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
