I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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