My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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