laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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