I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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