i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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