He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
