Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
